I’ve been overwhelmed by what’s happening in our nation proper now and feeling helpless and speechless, whereas I type out my very own feelings, ideas, beliefs, and name to motion. One factor I do know I can supply is psycho-education about narcissism and cult dynamics. Given what’s taking place in my nation proper now, I’m making ready to steer the following LOVE SCHOOL on Monday, March 10, on the best way to shield your self from narcissistic abuse and ensure you by no means be part of a cult (otherwise you do, the best way to spot it early and get out quickly). By a compassionate IFS-informed lens, we’ll be inspecting the psychology of how narcissistic dynamics function, since virtually each narcissistic abuser reads the identical playbook. I’ll be sharing the type of sensible stuff I taught my daughter earlier than she flew out of the nest into maturity, so she might apply good discernment and discover ways to spot troublesome behaviors in new individuals she would possibly meet out on the earth and have good avenue smarts relating to defending herself.
Be part of LOVE SCHOOL right here.
However if you happen to stay in america or are watching our nation, you don’t want me to provide you a primer in narcissistic abuse. All it’s important to do is watch how Trump and Vance handled Zelensky when he was on the White Home. The Trump/ Vance Bully Present, humiliating Zelensky on nationwide tv, is strictly the type of actuality TV Donald Trump minimize his enamel on. It’s additionally a case examine in narcissistic abuse and cultic dynamics. I had bother stomaching watching the entire present, however despite the nausea and heaviness in my chest, I really feel prefer it’s vital we not stick our heads within the sand. We have to hold our eyes and hearts open, even when it hurts. And we have to be conscious that many MAGA-aligned human beings proper now are realizing they had been tricked. That’s a painful actuality verify that’s arduous for anybody who received tricked to completely soak up.
Even Trump/ Vance voters are determining that they received performed, and the remainder of us want to keep up our empathy and resist the hit of righteous “I advised you so,” regardless that it’s comprehensible a few of us would possibly really feel that approach. To maintain our empathy and never flip hardened hearts in the direction of those that voted for Trump, we have now to recollect how cults and narcissists work, which is what this week’s LOVE SCHOOL will give attention to. As a result of as a lot as we’d get harm by people who find themselves seduced by narcissists, they’re truly victims, even when they then victimize others.
The Narcissist Playbook: Love Bombing, Demeaning, Discarding
Right here’s the way it normally goes. First, the cult chief sells you the moon. That is the cult recruitment stage, or in romantic relationships, the rescuer fantasy hook. Love bombing, future faking, telling you all the pieces you’ve ever wished to listen to, validating your best fears and feeding your deepest longings. That is the spell-casting section, the place you’re feeling euphoric as a result of somebody is promising that every one your rescuer fantasies will truly come true. You bond with others at rallies and on-line, feeling excessive off the sense of belonging. In politics, it’s the section main as much as election- as a result of when you’ve gained energy, all bets are off. Then the love bombing and faux guarantees cease. In romance, that is the honeymoon interval, which regularly ends as soon as the seduction is full. That is when the demeaning behaviors usually start, leaving you confused about why the love bombing stopped.
The demeaning section confuses victims, since you received lifted up, and now that you just’re hooked, the narcissist loses respect for you. You’re now weak of their eyes and now not worthy of sucking as much as. Trump voters are feeling this fashion now. Like wait, what occurred? I believed you believed I used to be so particular. So now, why are you firing me from my low paying authorities job or taking away my public help?
When you’re hooked and the cult chief has drained you of your life blood, the discard comes quickly afterwards. You bought used, exploited, taken benefit of- so the cult chief can obtain their goals. However you don’t truly matter. You had been a method to an finish, and to narcissists and cult leaders, the ends at all times justifies the means.
You then start to expertise withdrawal from the bonding love bombing section, at all times questioning when it’s going to return again. You lengthy for what was and hold ready for the preliminary good emotions to return back- the euphoria, the validation, the sense of belonging, the sensation of being “gotten,” the particular emotions. However you wind up dwelling on breadcrumbs of what initially lured you in, questioning what you probably did to lose all that love bombing intoxication.
Magical Considering Prevents You From Seeing Actuality Clearly
If actuality begins to interrupt by way of the wishful, magical considering, the ache might really feel insufferable. Chances are you’ll expertise betrayal blindness, discovering it too arduous to really consider that you just received performed. It might even be simpler to stay in a state of denial, to fake you didn’t get exploited for a narcissist’s energy hungry targets. It’s humiliating to comprehend you bought tricked. It may be simpler to fake you didn’t, even when confronted with all of the proof that you just received performed.
Typically the one approach the denial wears off is when your individual empathy kicks in. If you happen to don’t really feel empathy for your self, you would possibly really feel empathy while you see harmless individuals worse off than you struggling by the hands of the cult chief. That is what usually causes cult followers to depart the cult- seeing the cult chief abuse one other cult follower and understanding in your intestine “This isn’t proper. One thing may be very unsuitable right here. This particular person isn’t who I believed they had been.” This can be a painful second, since you so deeply wish to consider you had been proper in your discernment of this particular person you’re risking all the pieces to comply with and possibly even love.
As a result of narcissists usually take a look at the loyalty of their victims, they could have coerced them into giving up their households, turning on a partner, berating pals who resist recruitment or in any other case alienating the individuals who truly care about them. This may be arduous if somebody in a cult begins to have doubts about their allegiance. If you happen to’ve burned your bridges, it’s arduous to depart even essentially the most abusive chief.
Empathy Can Break By Magical Considering & Betrayal Blindness
However typically only one occasion turns into the straw that broke by way of the denial. The disgusting, stomach-turning public bullying of Zelensky, the economy-destroying tariffs on Canada, Mexico, and China, calling the Prime Minister of Canada “Governor,” altering the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America, threatening to make Canada the 51st state, firing hundreds of nationwide park rangers and different low paid authorities workers with households to feed, withdrawing assist kind USAID- occasions like these may be simply the type of occasions that breaks Trump voters out of their blindness. If you happen to watched Trump and Vance bully Zelenksy and make enjoyable of his garments and his courageous heroism, anybody with even a shred of empathy would understandably really feel sorry for the underdog getting ganged up on by two harassing bullies yelling “You don’t have the playing cards! You’re not grateful. You don’t have the playing cards!”
If you’ve been spellbound by a malignant narcissist after which actuality begins to sink in, the cognitive dissonance kicks in. You may’t truly consider somebody might be that ruthless, and but you see it happening- proper in entrance of you. You may’t reconcile two seemingly reverse tales with out dissociating. You see harmless individuals getting ripped off, discarded, deprioritized, forged apart, abused, humiliated, manipulated, even killed by social homicide, when life-saving sources are withheld, simply so the cult chief can get a success of energy off taking part in others like puppets. When you have even a shred of decency, even the slightest little bit of ethics and integrity, if you happen to care in any respect about different individuals’s security and human rights, you’ll be able to’t keep loyal to the cult chief ceaselessly. One thing will at all times occur that breaks by way of the indoctrination. To disregard actuality past that time takes quite a lot of psychic vitality and may make individuals very, very sick. (That is what my new guide Relationsick, co-written with Jeff Rediger is about. Keep tuned. It’ll be out in April 2026).
Anger Is A Signal Of Early Restoration
In some unspecified time in the future, if you happen to don’t simply dissociate or numb out to keep away from feeling the betrayal, the denial wears off- and if you happen to’re on a restoration path, the anger kicks in. This can be a good signal, as a result of you’ll be able to’t resist the narcissistic abuse and start to deconstruct the indoctrination till you get offended at having been betrayed. Till you’re feeling that life-affirming, boundary-protecting anger, it’s arduous to depart the cult, maintain the abuser accountable, recuperate or be part of the resistance. Getting pissed is fresher than collapsing in resigned despair, however if you happen to’ve been indoctrinated into being anger phobic or if you happen to’re dissociated, even anger may be arduous to really feel.
Cult leaders rely on dissociation, submission, dorsal vagal collapse, exhaustion, and retaining you too busy to withstand the domination. The technique is at all times based mostly on sporting you down, exhausting you, undermining your important considering, overloading you with an excessive amount of info, overwhelming your capability to course of what’s incoming, and isolating you from those that would possibly put a crack within the indoctrination. Narcissistic cult leaders count on you to simply submit, roll over, do what you’re advised, and if you happen to don’t, they use concern and intimidation, the best way Trump and Vance ganged up and bullied Zelensky, to attempt to power him to undergo the domination, simply to allow them to gloat and get a success of grandiosity off the ability transfer.
Going DEEP
However identical to Zelensky was the one grownup within the room, narcissists present their true colours if they’ll’t goad you into responding. Based on narcissism skilled Physician Ramani, we have now to go “DEEP.” DEEP stands for —
Don’t Defend.
Don’t Have interaction.
Don’t Clarify.
Don’t Personalize.
Narcissists and cult leaders feed off different individuals’s despair and desperation. They get excessive off seeing different individuals suck up, grovel, beg for mercy, and provides in to their entitled tantrums. However if you happen to do what Zelensky did and simply breathe, hold your cool, get up for your self and grasp onto your self worth, if you happen to don’t play the sport and feed their narcissism, they reveal themselves to be huge infants. Then their followers can see that they’re probably not the strongmen they declare to be. They’re the weakest bullies on the playground beneath all that bluster. Like NXIVM cult chief Keith Raniere who was discovered quivering within the closet when he was arrested, they’re actually simply scared little youngsters play-acting the Wizard of Oz.
Let’s Assist Individuals Off Ramp From The Cult of MAGA
This can be a fragile and essential time within the US. We have to create off ramps for people who find themselves having purchaser’s regret after having voted for Trump proper now. Many people knew this second was coming, however let’s not gloat or humiliate individuals who received tricked by a narcissistic cult chief who by no means had their finest pursuits at coronary heart.
That is our nation we’re speaking about right here. These are harmless individuals’s lives and livelihoods. There are extra of us able to resisting than there are of sycophants nonetheless ingesting the Kool-Assist.
Simply keep in mind how embarrassing it may be to get tricked. No one likes to confess they received fooled. It feels terrible to get conned and betrayed. Those that get conned by a cult chief want our empathy, not our gloating. Cult consultants like Rachel Bernstein of the Indoctrination podcast say that the one approach individuals ever depart cults is that if those that care about them keep proximate, even when the cult has brought on them to deal with family members abusively. We are able to maintain our boundaries and nonetheless have empathy for somebody who received tricked into believing a narcissist was on their facet. Making a protected place for somebody to confess “I made a mistake and I wish to get out” is the one approach cult members ever really feel protected to off ramp from the cult and return to those that truly love them, fairly than love bombing them the best way the narcissist did.
So if you recognize anybody who voted for Trump who’s experiencing ache, loss, remorse, or regret proper now, let’s attempt to verify our comprehensible tendency to say “I advised you so.” Take the excessive highway if you happen to can and say one thing like “That should actually suck to undergo that loss or really feel so betrayed.”
I’m on no account a MAGA apologist, attempting to make excuses for individuals whose ideologies I vehemently disagree with. However I additionally know that extremists received’t ever activate their very own beliefs if there isn’t a protected house for empathy after they notice they’ve been tricked. The MAGA extremist subsequent door can be somebody’s grandmother, somebody’s son, somebody’s highschool sweetheart.
As of late, I can’t assist considering of certainly one of my favourite musicals, The Sound of Music. That scene when Liesl will get betrayed by her Nazi boyfriend Rolf, who turns in her household after they’re attempting to flee Nazi-occupied Austria. Our nation is stuffed with Liesls and Rolfs proper now, and if the Rolfs have a change of coronary heart, we have to enable them to be welcomed again out of the cult.
No Want To Bypass Our Professional Emotions
We are able to nonetheless be mad at MAGA people. We are able to have all our personal emotions. We are able to rant in our echo chambers and get empathy for our personal emotions. That’s obligatory, to have protected areas for venting our personal rage, concern, grief, disappointment, and horror. But when there’s no protected areas for individuals to off ramp, cult members who received tricked by Trump received’t have anyplace to go. This nation continues to be populated by precise human beings although. We have now to not less than attempt to keep in mind our shared humanity, regardless that it could possibly really feel arduous to consider we’re even the identical species as these on the opposite facet of the political divide.
That doesn’t imply the remainder of the world shouldn’t have their comprehensible anti-American sentiment. I’ve my very own anti-American sentiment proper now, so I get it. I’m sorry, world. My nation sucks proper now.
Attempt Empathy Somewhat Than “I Instructed You So”
If anybody who voted for Trump expresses rage, shock, disbelief, horror, grief, or emotions of betrayal to you, strive listening and empathizing. If all of us did that with only one particular person, possibly we’d assist off ramp those that are feeling the affect we knew was coming and tried to warn individuals about. The much less cult followers we have now within the US proper now, the more durable it will likely be to steer your entire nation into fascism and authoritarian dictatorship.
Understand that getting betrayed by a narcissist is without doubt one of the most tragic painful traumas one can expertise, and our nation is experiencing this en masse. Heartbreak and betrayal is without doubt one of the most painful sorts of traumas. After we threat letting our hearts open, we additionally threat getting our hearts damaged. The vulnerability of the open coronary heart, the tenderness of attachment and coronary heart connection, makes us particularly uncooked when another person betrays our connection or abandons the connection or in any other case leaves the guts frayed.
The tragedy of relational trauma in early childhood, normally with our caregivers, is that we’re then set as much as repeat the heartbreak of childhood in grownup relationships, even with politicians, bosses, cult leaders, and others we give our energy away to. If our caregivers weren’t protected to connect to, or if we needed to earn approval as an inexpensive substitute for unconditional love as a result of our dad and mom noticed us as a narcissistic extension of themselves, it’s very doubtless we’ll entice the very individuals most certainly to interrupt our hearts again- usually in the same approach as our early caregivers did.
Many MAGA-voting Individuals will probably be experiencing a reactivation of childhood trauma from narcissistic caregivers within the upcoming months. This may increasingly not go properly, but when we meet each other as human beings in a trauma-informed approach, possibly we will create protected off ramps, one susceptible trauma survivor at a time.
If you happen to’ve been a sufferer of narcissistic abuse, if you happen to’ve been lured right into a cult, if you happen to’ve been tricked after which betrayed by somebody who claimed to care about you and your wants, my coronary heart goes out to you.
If you happen to’d prefer to study extra, please be part of us for LOVE SCHOOL.
We’ll even be discussing how to ensure your children have the warnings they should keep protected on the earth in Mothering As Medication.
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